Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"