is your mom at the bar?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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