Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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