I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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