If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
