A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
