If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
