I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
