Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Two words: blizzard sex
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
