Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
