These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
