You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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