If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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