They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
