Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
