Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
