He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Acid is not a monday night drug
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
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Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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