my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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