I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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