My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
