I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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