never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
