saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
