so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
