I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We need to get me chipped asap
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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