I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
