Texts From Last Night

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  (426): View more from

  i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair

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  (426): i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair http://tfl.nu/09nr
  Replies (16) Good night (995) Bad night (5062)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza

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  (314): 10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza http://tfl.nu/0z5o
  Replies (35) Good night (7419) Bad night (797)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (28799) Bad night (2241)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know where my bra went.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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  (303): I don't know where my bra went. (1-303): Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy. http://tfl.nu/03yq
  Replies (22) Good night (8066) Bad night (1191)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

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  (647): hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair http://tfl.nu/2ava
  Replies (25) Good night (4197) Bad night (1197)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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  (773): grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet. http://tfl.nu/onit
  Replies (20) Good night (5216) Bad night (1358)
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.

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  (636): Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me. http://tfl.nu/3e5v
  Replies (9) Good night (1670) Bad night (842)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.

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  (778): I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label. http://tfl.nu/51vc
  Replies (2) Good night (679) Bad night (1707)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips

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  (850): Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips http://tfl.nu/pmcc
  Replies (1) Good night (579) Bad night (957)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.

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  (410): It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions. http://tfl.nu/65l6
  Replies (1) Good night (1274) Bad night (502)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol

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  (814): Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol http://tfl.nu/gohb
  Replies (5) Good night (930) Bad night (651)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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  (616): Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything? http://tfl.nu/t3z5
  Replies (24) Good night (2778) Bad night (918)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  Pedi-lyte stocked

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  (203): Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver (1-203): Pedi-lyte stocked http://tfl.nu/s7oc
  Replies (1) Good night (673) Bad night (366)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day

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  (304): I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day http://tfl.nu/acew
  Replies (4) Good night (497) Bad night (715)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.

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  (816): Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs. http://tfl.nu/5gew
  Replies (0) Good night (403) Bad night (641)

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