In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
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He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.