she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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