You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
