dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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