i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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