My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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