Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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