apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
