I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
