so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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