I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
