He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
