Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
