I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
