I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
