The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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