How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
