oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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