Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
