The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
