How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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