my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
