im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
