I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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