she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
