seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
