I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
