She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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