i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Fuck appropriateness.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
