Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
