The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
