I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
